ugh...

...i hate what stress does to us...what money does to us (or the lack-there-of)...

thanks to D's part-time job, and the amount of money we were able to get paid out when the heaven's came crashing in january...we've survived- comfortable and tightly- for the last eight months...i'm quite pleased with that, particularly since there aren't jobs to be had and nothing either D or I have tried has panned out (plus he still haven't started the backgrounds for NV yet...)

but, now...we are finally at that point...the savings is gone...the payouts have been paid-out...my store is still in it's beginning stages, and while i have made quite a few sales (thank you to all of you who have supported us by shopping and spreading the word) it still isn't a consistent source of income...i love it, and it is pretty much a full time job (especially if i am expected to be a wife and keep up the house and laundry and feed my husband)...so now...i'm facing attempting to find a job...again...and i don't know about everywhere else, but around here things aren't getting better...more and more businesses are going out...

we have experienced our share of extremely tight financial times in our four years of marriage...and it's starting again. tension, stress, worry, anxiety, edginess with eachother...not good...we've been praying fervently for God to provide and to direct us. and He has been so faithful and has provided in amazing ways thus far...WE'VE SURVIVED OFF OF ONE PART-TIME JOB FOR NINE MONTHS...but, I don't see much in sight...we were hoping to at least have some sort of answer for Nevada by now so we could at least plan on pushing through to january...but we haven't heard anything, and they are backlogged on backgrounds, so we don't know when we will start that stage...other agency applications D has sent in and tested for have been for one or maybe two positions and with the overwhelming responses of unemployed law-enforcement, his have fallen through...

on top of all this, we've been without health insurance for the last eight months...which, shouldn't be that big of a deal because we were without it for about two years of marriage in the first place, but we were finally attempting to be active...check out things D was concerned about, get me in regularly to the same physician and attempt to solve the infertility mystery...and in the midst of all of that it stopped...and we'll have to start all over again (if and when we can afford it again).

slimming down bills at this point means getting rid of internet (which is a necessity at this point), tv (which is not a necessity but we've done without it before and D goes crazy), and our phones (which is also a necessity)...so, i feel stuck...that horrible shadow that looms constantly, which we thought we had rid ourselves of, has returned...

Lord, give us peace and wisdom and understanding and patience...and please Lord provide for us and open doors...

Day Five...of a new me...

I have been doing very good...I'm so proud of myself.

While dinner has presented an opportunity for me to splurge a bit...my breakfasts have been consisting of any combination of grapefruit, a single slice of multi-grain toast, oat bran cereal, and nectarines. Lunch and periodical snacks: apples, celery, carrots, and nectarines. But, when it comes to dinner, I made a decision to fudge a little and give myself a little flavor and protein. The first night I had some chicken in a tortilla, the second night...well, it was my mom's birthday and we made chicken cordon blue...so I had a piece of that (sauce on the side) and salad (no bread)...the third night, eggs- my husband made himself an egg burrito...and last night a slice of roast beef with some carrots (no potatoes, no gravy). I'm drinking almost exclusively water. And I was craving something sweet that I didn't have to chew yesterday, and found some fat free, sugar free chocolate pudding in the pantry...and poured that into individual containers.

I'm impressed with myself...I've had no chips or crackers...no candy...no soda...no fastfood...hardly any dairy (except on my cereal)...hardly even any juice (except from straight out of the fruit)...

We shall see...they claim you shouldn't monitor your weight EVERY day...but I checked yesterday morning...down four pounds...so, if we can keep that rate up...I'll be very happy!

Day One...of a new me...

Yesterday...I was online listing two glass items that I had found "junking" on my Etsy store page. Well, my scale is not sensitive enough to allow me to weigh them. So, horror of horrors...I stepped on the scale holding one without even thinking about it!!!

Well, why does that matter you say? Well, I had been weighing myself last year...I had started and stopped a few things. I'd even started jogging along PCH for a while, but after I was sick for two weeks with pnuemonia...that quickly ended also...  ....Due to the depressing, aggrivating, and crushing course of events that we experienced in December through February that led us to move, etc...I started bottling frustration up, started to drink LOTS of Dr. Pepper to motivate me to do anything...and, have not weighed myself since JANUARY!!!

HA! Well, you can imagine...after some depressing months of grief, change, being jaded, and just generally feeling confused and lost...weighing myself yesterday was a shock to my system!!!  There is NO WAY that jar weighs more than three pounds...so that means...!!! AH! Nope, it only weighs 2.5 leaving me an astronomical amount heavier than my already fat and obese self was in January! Granted, as my husband said, this scale seems a little off...if you use it in the same place every time, great...but each time we move and place it in a new bathroom it runs on a new "scale". BUT STILL!!!

So, though I've felt this way for about four years, though I've been trying to convince myself for four years, though I've been "overweight" for four years...yesterday I was done.  I had a long conversation with D last night regarding the whole issue. What I want from myself and from him, and what my goals are.

I am only posting this once I've made some progress...but I'm going to "journal" it every day anyway for motivation. For some strange and bazaar reason, when people "encourage" me I get discouraged. I start feeling self-conscious and that the comments of "I'm so proud of you for doing this, stick with it" mean that if I do these supporters will for some reason think I did it for them, or because of the encouragement to do so. NO! I want this for me. I want this because I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I want this because I hate running into people I know that I haven't been seeing everyday and have therefore become a recluse. I want this to feel better, to feel confident, to be able to do the outdoor activities that I love so much, and if I am doing it for anyone it's for D.

SO! Day ONE!  I decided last night that I am going to do a negative calorie diet for a week (or my take on it anyway), and see where I stand. If it simply makes me feel more comfortable in my body, then I will decide where to go from there. I went shopping this morning, and bought celery, apples, grapefruit, carrots, cucumber, (have lettuce in the fridge), organic lite raspberry vinegrette and then some green tea (to boost metabolism) and Quaker oat bran cereal. Weighed myself this morning...took some photos...bottle of water, cup of cereal...and I'm on my way.

Lunch...a piece of multi-grain toast (need carbs because the hubbs and I are going for a bike ride when he gets home), three stalks of celery and a sliced apple (and water of course)...I'm quite full and satisfied, and so DONE chewing :)


Lord, give me the strength and will power to stick with this and be successful. Give me the self-control to resist my foodie cravings and all the food that I love to enjoy the flavors of....