ugh...

...i hate what stress does to us...what money does to us (or the lack-there-of)...

thanks to D's part-time job, and the amount of money we were able to get paid out when the heaven's came crashing in january...we've survived- comfortable and tightly- for the last eight months...i'm quite pleased with that, particularly since there aren't jobs to be had and nothing either D or I have tried has panned out (plus he still haven't started the backgrounds for NV yet...)

but, now...we are finally at that point...the savings is gone...the payouts have been paid-out...my store is still in it's beginning stages, and while i have made quite a few sales (thank you to all of you who have supported us by shopping and spreading the word) it still isn't a consistent source of income...i love it, and it is pretty much a full time job (especially if i am expected to be a wife and keep up the house and laundry and feed my husband)...so now...i'm facing attempting to find a job...again...and i don't know about everywhere else, but around here things aren't getting better...more and more businesses are going out...

we have experienced our share of extremely tight financial times in our four years of marriage...and it's starting again. tension, stress, worry, anxiety, edginess with eachother...not good...we've been praying fervently for God to provide and to direct us. and He has been so faithful and has provided in amazing ways thus far...WE'VE SURVIVED OFF OF ONE PART-TIME JOB FOR NINE MONTHS...but, I don't see much in sight...we were hoping to at least have some sort of answer for Nevada by now so we could at least plan on pushing through to january...but we haven't heard anything, and they are backlogged on backgrounds, so we don't know when we will start that stage...other agency applications D has sent in and tested for have been for one or maybe two positions and with the overwhelming responses of unemployed law-enforcement, his have fallen through...

on top of all this, we've been without health insurance for the last eight months...which, shouldn't be that big of a deal because we were without it for about two years of marriage in the first place, but we were finally attempting to be active...check out things D was concerned about, get me in regularly to the same physician and attempt to solve the infertility mystery...and in the midst of all of that it stopped...and we'll have to start all over again (if and when we can afford it again).

slimming down bills at this point means getting rid of internet (which is a necessity at this point), tv (which is not a necessity but we've done without it before and D goes crazy), and our phones (which is also a necessity)...so, i feel stuck...that horrible shadow that looms constantly, which we thought we had rid ourselves of, has returned...

Lord, give us peace and wisdom and understanding and patience...and please Lord provide for us and open doors...

...a little mini-vacation...finally...

we just got back from our camping trip to the coast...it was so relaxing! i don't think either of us have been that brain dead in at least a year...

we drove out after D got off work monday, and then we came back thursday. visited two restaurants that have been featured on "diners, drive-ins, and dives" (we were impressed with both!), rode a couple rides at the boardwalk, and enjoyed some much cooler weather than we've been experiencing here at home! two of the mornings we even woke up to such heavy dew and fog that we thought it was raining...

life has been so crazy over the last...well, i keep saying year-and-a-half, but really a little over two-years now...between an extremely tight financial situation, then preparations for D to attend the chp academy, then the stretching six months during the academy...then, a move back to so cal a trying year with the chp, the end of that phase of our lives, and our trudging on since...which, it's incredible to think that it has been six months since all of that ended...  we do well for the most part, seeing how evidently it was God's time to separate us from that and how we try to stay positive and look forward to what He pulled us away for...but, it's been rough lately- near impossible to completely shut out the "what if's" or "we would have been..."

and also with our struggles with attempting to start our family...(excuse me, we are a family...grow our family from two, to three or more...) i think i can safely say that i have been truely depressed for the last two months. i was doing really well for a while...knowing God had better things, and ready to move on, and thinking solely on those trials and not the family growing. but as time wears on, and we continue to sit and wait in the bazaar "hang" period...the desires of our heart continue to feel further and further out of reach.

i am still looking for a job...D has a few applications out with multiple agencies (and has for some months now)...otherwise we would probably be able to cross stability and finances off of our stress list...but we can't...

SO! needless to say, we needed this break. we stretched a little for it, but it was worth it. time together, alone. just the two of us, enjoying being the two of us. i didn't think much about infertility, neither of us thought about the months we have been waiting for "something to happen"...we both felt so purged of thoughts, it was almost weird. i asked D how he was doing one day and he said, "great, actually". no kidding...i don't think i've heard that come out of him in ages.

we were enjoying our alone-ness, and disconnect from reality...so we really didn't take very many pictures...a few of our surroundings but that is about it.

charting...

well, here we are...day 25 of cycle, DPO 5- and my temp spiked today???...charting, etc is weird. but i'm excited. i feel like i'm taking charge of the issue rather than being spiratic and hoping for something to happen.

i know it'll take at least a couple months before i even get the hang of the charting, and next month i plan to go see the doctor...but things are moving, so that has really kept me from wanting to test every day :D

DH is great, he's excited too and encouraging. we finally feel ready, not just that it's what we want.

...praying...

...so...

Well, now that life has somewhat settled down (heh, right!) and we are now SOMEWHAT financially comfortable and we have fantastic health benefits! Drew and I decided, we want to try for a baby.

Drew and I have been wanting a baby, well since we got married really. Which is strange, it was almost scary how naturally the 'baby' thoughts came within weeks of the wedding! However, God has had other plans...hind-sight is 20/20 and He knew it was not time for us to start a family. When we first got married, we were both working a lot and barely getting by...we did have a miscarriage (only about 5 weeks along, but still), but that would have really stretched us! We then moved to Rocklin thinking we were possibly going to be there permanently and we could start a family. But within a month of moving there we began the CHP process and a year later Drew was at the Academy (all that time would have been BAD timing and really hard on us- emotionally and financially). Now, life has eased up. We have great benefits, we are financially 'comfortable', and slowly getting beyond the whole the Academy created. Plus, the deep desire of wanting to be able to get pregnant and have a baby, and be able to start our family has hung on me so long...God has really shown me that I do have a heart to be a mother. I think if we had gotten pregnant right away and everything went well, it would have just been what happened and we would have had a baby. (As horribly disconnected as that sounds) But over the past year-and-a-half, my yearning for a baby hasn't turned into anger and only sometimes is disappointing...it has become a realization of how much I desire to be a mother, to have a baby. And through this I have come to understand more clearly that babies are such a precious miracle and a gift from God.

I know, I know...We just moved, and my mom is in Auburn and I'm in Huntington Beach! Trust me the issue has plagued me for some months now! However, (though I'm aware that we will most likely NOT be moving from here before 2011, and that we may not even go straight to NorCal at that point) aside from our location, our "timing" could not be better! Financially, health care, my schedule, less stress (easier pregnancy, hopefully), and Drew and I have talked about it and don't feel like we can wait another 2-3 years. I can fully admit that I have been struggling, and though God would pull us through, I would continue to struggle with "well I'd like to wait, but I'm really ready!" But, it's not like us saying this means tomorrow we'll have pregnancy announcements in the mail. This just means we've talked and want to "try".

Considering neither Drew or I have really done anything for ourselves in the way of health care since we were married, there's a lot of things to check into and get taken care of first. Also, the "planning" part of trying......that takes a while to sort out (as I am quickly discovering). I'm also realizing that many couples try for a year or more when "trying" before they actually conceive. ...and...considering my history (one confirmed early miscarriage and hormonal imbalances) and that we haven't been on birth control since about a month after the wedding...I think it will take us a little while before we are really capable of even saying we're "trying"...

BESIDES! God's timing, is God's timing. If we try and it's not His timing, we won't be successful. If He thinks we're ready, and sees us fit...it'll happen. And it will be a wonderful miracle.

Any prayers offered up on behalf of this issue would be greatly appreciated. I know it's a long, hard, and emotional process, and something I've already been breaking my heart over! God's perfect timing, health, and stamina are what we desire.